Wahoo, i'm back, 'have managed to figure out to write another post, i'm getting there with the old technology!!!!

So, here I am starting with the beginning of our married life.  We married in Aug '95 but were both quite young and wanted to wait to have little 'uns. I remember my mum said it was important to spend time together as a married couple.  We hadn't lived together pre marriage and I remember on our first anniversary asking dh if he'd enjoyed the year (I'd loved it) and he said it was the worst year of his life!!!!!!  Nice, eh?!  I was gobsmacked!  But I know now I'd a lot to learn about compromise.  My dh is the mildest man in the world and I'm a little fiery, get annoyed easily and calm down as quickly.  But, my issue has always been that he will not argue. He'll get quiet and just not talk.  'Hates confrontation.  Now dont get me wrong, I dont like to argue but I think sometimes it's good to just clear the air.  My mother was a strong woman who had to pretty much raise 3 girls on her own because my dad was very ill.  She was quite tough with us and I didn't realise just how difficult it must have been   Later I learned, too late really (will post more about this later), how enormous the task was.  Often I thought she was just in bad form because she was just annoyed all the time but I never thought to wonder why.  While we were good girls, it must have been bloody difficult to basically do everything.  I'm a twin and have another sister who's 4 years older.

My older sister is genuinely witty and driven.  She's strong, independent, an inspector in the English police and people respect her hugely.  She's stubborn and funny and often surprises me with her acts of kindness. My twin sister is more serious, extremely focused and a testament to hard work, helping to build a successful career in psychology. They are both 2 of the most capable women I know.  They're organised and list driven, problem solvers and in their own ways inspiring.  I have always been the class clown of the 3 of us I think.  I'm introspective and outgoing, prone to self doubt and yet outwardly strong.  I think although I'm flawed, one of my best atributes is that I genuinely like people.  But I'm a bit lazy and tend towards a little bit of sadness at times.

I was used really to being a bit hard because sometimes that's how mum was.  My dad is terribly mild but with no short term memory it was more than that.  Sometimes he just checked out and I realise now how I really see this as weakness.  I confused my own dh's mildness with weakness too for a long time because I could see his non discussion as just being the same as dad emotionally not really being there and it maddened me.  When I realised that in fact I wasn't actually being fair or really even mature, that really helped.  It doesn't take from the fact that dh doesn't have the ability it would seem to see dust, or clutter(!), I now know that it's not the worst thing in the world and to talk things through rather than just lose it!  It's something I aspire to, 'dont always get it right, but I do try!

As to work, people were always my thing!  But, I'm not terribly disciplined and I regret not going forward to higher education after my Leaving.  I should have worked and gone to college at night, but I do tend towards laziness at times!  My twin sis on the other hand is so focused and just goes for things.  I wish I was more like that.  I'd like to think I've contributed something decent to this planet but I know I haven't reached my potential and that is something I'm not proud of.  I loved working.  I spent nearly 20 years with Hibernian Insurance (now Aviva) and worked my way from receptionist to underwriter, to team leader, union negotiator and looking after staff policies.  Most of my career was wonderful apart from a short time with a boss I didn't know how to deal with.  It's funny isn't it?  You can be so strong to the outside world but to have someone draining your self confidence is one of the worst feelings ever.  You doubt yourself, you think you're no good and you worry constantly.  While I confronted her it never really got any better.  And after a month of stress leave and thinking I was losing my mind, I had a lightbulb moment and thought, I'm either going to kick this job to the kerb or I'm going to turn into this bloody woman who's making my life such a misery. For me that wasn't an option.  While I'm not perfect I am a pretty decent person and I knew I was dealing with my staff the way she was dealing with me.  I'd lost my sparkle, my sense of humour, and after clearly some divine intervention for which I'm eternally grateful, I stepped down from the role meaning I didn't have to come in contact as much with this woman who really had her own issues and was just a really lost boss.

All this time children hadn't really been a huge focus but somewhere at the back of my mind I had an uneasiness, almost a feeling of, shouldn't I have at least had a scare?! All our friends were having first and even second babies.  Everyone was asking the old, 'anything stirring questions!  I haven't always been the healthiest of people, I have a really rickety back (am actually sitting with an ice pack currently thanks to a bulging disc!), have kidney stones and just really often feeling a bit off.  I love to cook and eat, not good combinations really and I've struggled with weight my whole life.  Well, ok struggled may not be exactly the right word since now and again I complain about it but most of the time I dont think of the ramifications of eating too much. As I get older I'm learning to actually do something about it but I was enjoying married life hugely, socialising with friends, and not working out!  So alot of the time I put not being pregnant down to being overweight and thinking I'd do something about it Monday, always Monday!!!!

In 2004 I decided dramatic was the way to go, so I of course did Lipotrim!  Basically no chewing required!!!!!!  3 shakes a day.  'Made sense at the time!  I'm nothing if not excessive!  So, for nearly 4 months I drank pints of water and 3 pink drinks daily.  I dropped nearly 5 stone.  It's not easy but it is actually effective in the short term. It was also in my mind that if we had to go to seek help for fertility that I wouldn't feel the doctors would throw me out of their surgery!  I'm a big personality but part of that is to cover my big body!  Like many women of size(!) what I lack in skinny I make up for with humour!  Often self deprecating, 'get in there before someone else does kind of thing!  Sometimes it works for me, sometimes it doesn't!

So, to summarise this piece, I have a great dh, a nice job, an increasing and decreasing waistline, a strong, good mum, mild father and 2 good sisters.  My generous belly is empty and I'm a little concerned, but starting to do something about it!